


MALEC. ➰FORGET. EASIER SAID THAN DONE. (aku cinta kamu)

by morgemuffel



Series: MALEC. ➰ OUR HEART BEATS LIKE ONE. [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M, M/M, Malec Monday, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 05:23:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18564796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgemuffel/pseuds/morgemuffel
Summary: This story takes place after the episode 3Bx18-> Let's have a look on a deeply sad Magnus after Alec broke up with him.His best friend Cat is not available and he needs someone to talk to.Painful memories of him and Alec are haunting him and a homeless man gives him a lesson in life.#aku cinta kamu #stay with me #you're part of the family #eternal love





	MALEC. ➰FORGET. EASIER SAID THAN DONE. (aku cinta kamu)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't like writing sad things. I can't concentrate on writing sweet things when Malec is suffering...  
> Give me MALEC back! <3
> 
> Sorry that it may sound weird somethimes,  
> but English is not my mother tongue so ahm yeah have fun reading! :)

_I remember the pain very well, which I went through a few weeks ago when I collapsed because of Lorenzo's magic. I thought I had reached the peak of my pain tolerance. Such an enormous pain that led me to experience my deepest desires. I had this dream, this idea of a perfect life with Alec. We sat at the table ate waffles were joking about crêpes laughing and dancing. A dream quite obvious. Dazzle, deception I would have many names to call it. Never again, I had sworn after Camille. Never again would I open myself, make myself so naked and vulnerable towards another person. Over 400 years old but I never learn. I'm not worth being loved. Not even my mother loved me enough to stay with me. How could I assume that it would be different with Alec? Maybe because he had said so? Because after all these years of incompleteness he gave me the feeling of finally being whole and complete? Because he made me feel like I was the only important thing in the world, the only thing that matters? And even worse, all these things I do have for him. Even now while I'm sitting here and still can't believe it, can't understand it and don't want to understand it. Even now I know that the love for him and thus the associated loss will be my end. A life without Alec surpassed every imaginable pain. **"Stay with me"** I had whispered desperately. And I thought I knew pain, I knew loss. But as Alec walked through that door, the memories of us shattered into thousand pieces and pelted down on me like dangerous shards of glass. I can clearly visualize the splinters above me. As if they were real and every single one of them _wafer-thin and razor-sharp,_ shoots down on me and right through my heart. My heart that doesn't seem to beat any longer, because there is no reason for it to beat anymore and even worse there is no one there for it to beat for._  
  
Magnus sat huddled up on the floor in Maryse' bookstore. He was replaying the past situation over and over again in his head. And tried to figure out when the exact moment must have been when Alec realized that the relationship was no longer working for him. Was it already after his collapse at the institute in his office last week or after the failed dinner yesterday or even before? He knew that he wasn't an easy Person and his personality wasn't simple either. As well that his losses had entirely thrown him off track. Magnus trembled with anger and the tears flowed down his face hot and salty. At first he was angry at Alec because he had left him and then at himself because he knew that this time it was his fault. His depressive mood fluctuation, the constant self-pity and not to forget his slightly exaggerated alcohol consumption had teared the couple apart. He took a deep breath and stood up to put on his jacket. He had to get out of here because he didn't want to accidentally fall asleep and still lie here like a bunch of misery, when Maryse comes back tomorrow to open the store. _**"You're part of the family."**_ he heard her voice in his head. Every single word was a sting in his heart and the pain it caused almost strangled the air out of him. Alec was everything he had ever wanted, his one true love, his home, his safe haven and his soul mate. And now he was gone, forever. Magnus left the bookstore and locked the door behind him. He hid the key in the large flowerpot next to the front door. _But where should he go now?_ His first instinct was to go to the next best bar, but then it occurred to him that his drinking was a reason for his new single existence and he decided to discard this idea. So he wrote Cat a text message to ask if she would like to eat two or three cans of ice cream with him later and just started to walk in no specific direction.  
  
Without knowing it he suddenly stood in front of a big rusty heart made out of metal with the capital letters **L O V E** beside it and the next memory of him and Alec appeared. His smiling face as he proudly presented Magnus the lock he bought to implement the European tradition in New York. Their trip to Paris had inspired him to place a symbol of their love here as well. A symbol of their eternal love, **"Aku cinta kamu"** , Magnus heard himself whispering before he shrugged from the touch on his shoulder and the memory faded away. He turned around to identify the person and saw a scraggy man in a dirty checkered shirt and a much too-short dirty pair of trainer pants. Clearly a homeless person. Magnus looked at him expectantly with his face smeared with tears.  "I noticed that you weren't doing very well..." he began to speak hesitantly. "Maybe you would like to feed the pigeons with me... that calms me down most of the time when I am sad... and I have a half of sandwich left that I would share with you... if you like? You look so sad..." the homeless man said with a throaty smoky voice that was actually much too deep for his stature. Magnus was visibly irritated but wrested to a smile as he nodded and followed the man to the nearest bench. Cat still hadn't responded to his message, probably she had a late shift. And since Magnus urgently needed someone to talk to, he decided to trust this stranger man with his sorrows. Of course a censored version without shadowhunters, warlocks and vampires.  
  
The cool October breeze blew passt the two of them and they sat there for a while and remained silent. Bob the homeless man fed the pigeons with some grains and breadcrumbs. As he broke the silence. "I wasn't always homeless, you know," he suddenly spoke. "I had a great job, a lot of money, a beautiful house, my wife and kids... But when the children grew up and moved out and my wife died cause of her illness a year ago and I was suddenly alone, I realized that all these material things were worth nothing to me. He looked at Magnus to see if he was listening to him and nodded as he continued speaking. "For some reason we all define ourselves more and more by status symbols and forget that it's the little things that really count. Like spending unforgettable moments with your loved ones." Again he looked at Magnus who slightly blushed under his examining gaze. "Every day I try to give something back to the people around me. I help in the soup kitchen or clean the streets in winter and so on. They are small things but they fulfill me. Some people look at me and see a disgusting homeless person, but why should it bother me how others see me as long as the people whom opinions really matters, know my story and love and appreciate me? Love is the only true currency and once you have found it you don't need anything else. He paused and looked into the void when he asked: "Do you believe in magic and the magic behind love? The Has-been-warlock thought about the question and although Bob didn't know that Magnus _is, was_ a centuries old warlock _,_ and belonges to the shadow world. Magnus still felt as if the homeless man could completely see through him. Magic, yes he believed in magic and he thought he was missing his and the immortality and that he'd be nothing without it. But the truth is Bob was right. There is another kind of magic. Magnus chose his words with caution as he replied. "I thought I had everything, too. A great job, a great home, magic... well..." He cleared his throat and continued: "The love of my life I mean, but he left me and it is my fault. He faltered as he spoke and Bob didn't urged him to speak any further. Instead he continued: "I have learned to renounce, because I can and not because I have to. What does the well paid job mean if you don't have anyone you can share the money with? Or worse, what use does money have if you're lonely at the end of the day? We don't live forever and the time we have should be used sensibly. I miss my wife every day, but I know that the time with her was magical and when your girlfriend..." he broke off when he saw Magnus raising his eyebrows. "Your... boyfriend...?" he asked hesitantly and Magnus nodded half-heartedly. "Probably more my ex-boyfriend now" he murmured embarrassed. Bob looked at him insistently as he began his speech again. "If your boyfriend is really the love of your life you should ask yourself if you want to fight for your relationship or try to forget him and guide your time and energy into a meaningful direction.  
  
_A dove sits on my lap as I open my eyes. It's already dark and Bob has left, if he was even real... and I didn't just imagine the whole conversation. I'm not sure cause I'm holding an empty tequila bottle, wrapped up in a paper bag in my hand and my head is humming. So much for that no more alcohol statement before. Alec's face appears again, his loving smile... God my soul hurts and it's hard to think clear. I have to shake away the thoughts of his perfect face. Fight for us or guide my energy into a meaningful direction Bob had said. I had fought, hadn't I? I literally threw myself at him when he was about to leave me. Begged him to stay, kissed him and tried to show him that I was still the same. That I love him and need him. But he didn't care, he left and I can't and don't want to forget him. Or can I? I always kept telling myself that the pain after a break up is part of the process to forget, it's there to learn from your mistakes. But a life without Alec and knowing that he left me literally tears me apart and I only know one person who can take all those bitter-sweet memories away from me. Yes maybe I'm a coward, maybe that makes me hypocritical and weak but I don't want to stand on a bridge again and... I just can't live with the memories. I need to talk to Jem Carstairs and ask him to erase my memories of Alec._

**Author's Note:**

> It's sad I know but still thanks for reading :)


End file.
